"Mom, are you ever going to grow your hair out again?" she asks for the trillionth time, while I am sitting at the kitchen table trimming her nails for the billionth time. This after one of those long, full exhausting Sundays of overdue chores that quite nearly empties me out. (Quite nearly.)
"No," I snip in reply. (I am a Buddhist priest and what length of hair I still have tells you everything about the ego I've yet to let go.)
She looks away and says nothing, and I feel the temperature climb up my spine to a rolling boil.
"Why would I?" I erupt. "I'm just a slave around here!" (Did I say that? Or was it my mother, or her mother, or the ancient mother of all mothers?)
It's quiet as I finish up her hands and feet, then she skips up the hallway to her room.
"Here, I want you to have this," she says when she returns, holding out a folded bill. It's $10 from her savings.
I shake my head in remorse.
"It's for helping us," and here she pauses to find the words, "to live."
(Leaving me to repay the favor.)
8.18.2008
What an (awful, terrible, rotten) mother I am
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22 comments:
Wow. The universe works at lightning speed at your house too. I speak in ancient mother quite frequently. Feels best when I whispering I love you's in sleeping ears.
Deep breath. Your success as a mother and your beautiful humanity are both present in this post.
i love to visit for a lesson in calm. as I am always so impressed by your calmess but it was your honesty about these moments in momma zen, and daily here that keeps me coming back day after day.
momentary shock to the system--momentary glimpse of unbridled wisdom--
oh lordy, how they do propel us back to what is real and right.
thanks karen. all of us bad moms thank you.
How DO they do that?
thank you.
Oh I got all choked up - beautiful - out of the mouth's of babes'!
Thank you for reading, all. Thank you for recognizing, all. And Latisha, you provoke still further truth. To be honest, a state of pure, uncontrived, unpretentious, ordinary calm is the most honest way to be. So while it might seem that I'm revealing my honesty, I'm just being honest about my dishonesty! And this is why I practice. You are all helping me by witnessing my eternal need to practice this one true authentic life.
Great post. Great picture to go with the post. The "slave around here" comment has left my lips a few times. Then I remember that I wouldn't have anyone BUT me slaving for my family, and go on about the business of Mom.
Your day sounds oh so familiar. Smart girl you've got there Mama! Smart.
Oh my. I got teary reading this. There's more I could say but don't have brain or time to find the words.
I think I've said this before, but she is something else!
Stunning moment. Come and gone.
I've said something along the lines--I'm not on this planet to clean. Today I said the, um, line--it's like hitting my bleeding head against the wall.
And on we go.
i can't find the words...(tears)
Thank you for sharing. Your blog is quickly becoming one of the first I read in my morning.
Gassho.
OK, i think i have some words for what i'm feeling....thank you for sharing your humanness. it helps the rest of us feel like it's ok to be human and have our less shiny moments. what blows my mind is how gg has the wisdom to say what needs to be said. a trait she clearly gets from her mother.
thank you, mae, for helping us ALL to live.
Oh, those moments hurt. I want so much to teach my children and not the other way around.
she just gets it, doesn't she?
she certainly woke me up.
The universal mother yells in my head sometimes and when I let her slip out I feel horrible. I feel like hanging my head, sticking my foot in my mouth, running down the street screaming, feeling that I can't ever take it back. And then the boys just smile, give me a hug, and say something that shatters me and allows me to be me again. I love how kids do that.
I recognize myself in this post--in both you and your daughter.
Tara
Gosh they know us well, don't they Karen?
Beautiful, beautiful post. One I will remember.
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