The Shame of Envy

A recent event, my reaction to it and resulting actions brought forth last night what had been brewing for quite some time:

Envy

I have been feeling envy

Wanting what they have

and that I don't have

Envy

It's been taking me

down the wrong path

and I didn't even see it

Envy

Forgetting to focus 

on the real problem,

of craving mind

Envy

I don't like to admit

to such shameful leaning

so petty, so small

Envy

I was consumed,

and now, the freedom 

of chains broken.

U Pandita's teaching about 'The Ten Armies of Mara' comes to mind:

Meditation can be seen as a war between wholesome and unwholesome mental states. On the unwholesome side are the forces of the kilesas, also known as “The Ten Armies of Māra.” In Pāli, Māra means killer. He is the personification of the force that kills virtue and also kills existence. His armies are poised to attack all yogis; they even tried to overcome the Buddha on the night of his enlightenment.

Here are the lines the Buddha addressed to Māra, as recorded in the Sutta Nipāta:

Sensual pleasures are your first army,

Discontent your second is called.

Your third is hunger and thirst,

The fourth is called craving.

Sloth and torpor are your fifth,

The sixth is called fear,

Your seventh is doubt,

Conceit and ingratitude are your eighth,

Gain, renown, honor and whatever fame is falsely received (are the ninth), 

And whoever both extols himself and disparages others (has fallen victim to the tenth). 

That is your army, Namuci [Māra], the striking force of darkness. 

One who is not a hero cannot conquer it, but having conquered it, one obtains happiness.

To overcome the forces of darkness in our own minds, we have the wholesome power of satipaṭṭhāna vipassanāmeditation, which gives us the sword of mindfulness, as well as strategies for attack and defense.

In the Buddha’s case, we know who won the victory. Now, which side will win over you?

What really got to me was my blinded-ness to the forces of envy. So focused was I on the outer object, that I got lost, and failed for a long time to fully investigate the source of my suffering. This is what delusion does to the mind. 
Envy, such a powerful teacher. 

When is the last time you felt prey to its twisted-ness?