There Is Fear

Sitting this morning, I got surprised by the presence and the amount of fear, right here in this body. Had I not sat, I would not have even known . . .

From Ajahn Sumedho:

Many things that we are frightened of are really our best friends -- like fear itself. We are afraid of the unknown, but the unknown is the way to enlightenment. Not-knowing is what brings terror into people's lives. Many people spend much of their life just trying to find security in some form or another, because of fear. Fear drives them to become this, or get hold of that, to save up a lot of money, to seek pleasure or a safe place to live, or to find some ideal person they hope will make them happy forever. That is fear of being alone, fear of the unknown -- of that we cannot know. In meditation, when one is mindful, that very fear -- seeing it as it really is -- leads us into the deathless, the silence. Yet fear is something that we react to very strongly.

I could feel the terror emanating out of my core, coursing through my veins, almost paralyzing if not for the breath. No real thoughts to explain the fear away, but rather a vague sense of dread, about what could happen . . . to 'me'. And of course, not liking the whole experience. Noticing the wishing away. Mind trying a bit of loving kindness, a bit of focusing away, on to the feet. In the end, surrendering to the evidence of the moment. Fear from powerful undercurrents in the mind.

Just speaking from my own experience, I could very much see the first noble truth. It was not that I wanted a more depressing ideology to accept. I recognised that there was fear, uncertainty and uneasiness in myself. Yet the first noble truth is not a doctrine. It is not saying 'life is suffering', but rather it is just saying, 'there is this'. It comes and goes. It arises (the second noble truth), it ceases (the third noble truth), and from that understanding comes the eight-fold path (the fourth noble truth), which is the clear vision into the transcendence of it all -- through mindfulness. The eight-fold path is just being mindful in daily life. 

No 'I', no fear about the future . . . Right there, the source of the problem.

Letting Go, Letting Into

Last night at IMC, Gil gave a very good talk on 'Wise Letting Go'. Here are my notes - you can listen to the whole talk on AudioDharma:

We all need to learn to let go wisely. Letting go is a skill, one that can help us let go in ways that enhance our life and give us joy, as opposed to us getting into more trouble. 

A good place to start is to let go of compulsive thinking, so that our mind can experience some peace. This can be practiced during meditation. We let go of clinging in our mind, and we experience firsthand the resulting lightness. This can then translate into situations outside of meditation. For instance, letting go of limiting ideas around losses from physical limitations associated with old age. "Be someone who becomes old and decrepit happily!", instead of assuming that you are going to be unhappy. Asking oneself, what are deep things I have to let go of?

Another place is letting go of compulsive, self-limiting behaviors. We often confuse pleasure and happiness. Letting go can involve things that limit ourselves such as fear, shyness, etc. For instance, we may let go by practicing mustering the courage to have a difficult but necessary conversation. 

There are two aspects of letting go. Letting go of something, e.g. diving board. And letting into something, e.g. water, in other words what is gained in process. It could be more peace, joy, being in present moment more fully, etc. . . 

Gil ended by asking us to reflect on: 

In which ways can letting go better me? What do I need to let go of? And what does it lead me into?

One big letting go for me has been around fear. It took many moments of sitting still and of realizing the extent of the suffering that comes with worried, anxious states. Eventually, both heart and mind have become convinced of the imperious need to let go of this hard wired habit.  Fear still visits often, but it no longer exerts such a strong pull. Of greater appeal is the possibility of peace that comes when mind lets go and relaxes in the simplicity of the present moment.

How would you answer Gil's questions?