Undoing the Clinging Habit, One Breath at a Time

Meditating this morning, I sat with the intention of:

Remaining focused on the body in and of itself - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on the feelings in and of themselves - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on the mind in and of itself - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Remaining focused on mental qualities in and of themselves - ardent, alert, and mindful - putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

~ from The Four Frames of Reference in The Seven Sets, in A Table of the Wings of Awakenings, in Thanissaro Bhikkhu's The Wings to Awakening ~

and noticed once more, the mind's difficulties in putting aside greed and distress with reference to the world.

Mind kept on disrupting the calm flow of breath with its fabrications. 

First in the craving family: 'I really want to go to Target and check out the new Webster collection.' 'I want to finish up writing the grant.' 'It would be nice to have some cereals right now. Oh! how much I love the taste of dried cherries!' 

Then some random thoughts about people who have done me wrong some while ago. Why think of them now? Go figure . . . The aversion habit needed a fix.

Awareness catching up and noticing the physical and mental stress from such hunger pains, about not wanting the present moment or some representations of the past. Tightness in the stomach and in the jaws, tension in the mind . . . could only be eased a bit. Years of clinging habit could not be undone that quickly. Warm determination was in order, with the going back to the breath, over and over again, each time giving the mind a chance to put aside its usual preoccupations.

And oh! so close, the possibility of freedom, only one breath away. 

Drinking the Bitter Brew

Sitting still,
no other choice
but to endure the truth
and drink the bitter brew.

Sitting still,
turning over the poison
in the mouth,
a thousand times.

Sitting still,
tasting the dark substance
all of it,
and watching its full effect.

Sitting still,
surrendering to the evidence
of a million thoughts
deposited before mind knew.

Sitting still,
comes the determination
of making peace
with the old witch.

Taking It Easy With Aversion

This week I have not been able to make it to the end of my 30' daily sitting meditation. Too much unpleasantness, and aversion to the experience. After a while, it gets to be too much, and I need to take a break. 

Here is what U. Tejaniya has to say about aversion:

When you experience aversion, recognize it and then change to a neutral object like the breath or some physical sensation. Watch this for a while to calm the mind, then look at the aversion again for a while - just keep going back and forth. Many yogis find it too difficult to watch the mind continuously. As long as we don't have real wisdom, as long as we depend on bringing in wisdom intellectually, we will have to use a samatha practice to calm the mind. 

Now remembering my interview with Ruth, and her advice to not linger on the aversion for too long.  Going instead to the breath, or the hands. 

Why one needs to hear the teachings over and over again. Otherwise the mind forgets . . . 

Which Type Are You?

Rather than continually blaming outer circumstances for my bad moods, I need to face the truth. I am what Jack Kornfied refers to as an aversion type. Knowing this comes as a relief. I am what I am, and there is no need to resist or add even more aversion to the fact that this is how my psyche works. 

From one of Jack's interview on the topic:

I've talked on some nights about Buddhist personality typology, which is based on our responses that come out of the sense of separateness itself; and the three roots in Buddhist psychology are the greed type, the aversion type, and the deluded type. Just to remind you in a simple way, we all have all of it in us. I'm a great example of the greedy type. The general response of the greedy type is to go into a new situation and see what we like about it, and see how we might get more of it, what's lovely about it or what we appreciate. Forget the rest. Now, the aversion type -- my wife is more in that category -- is somebody who goes into a situation and sees what's wrong with it, which is a very different response, painted wrong, the colors are wrong, and people are behaving wrong, and so forth. And then the deluded type whose tendency is to go into a new situation and not know what to make of it, not know what their place is. Does this make sense to you? Do you understand these types of either wanting or being critical or not knowing your place in it?

Of course aversion and greed are two sides of the same coin. Not far behind aversion is the greed for the opposite of the disliked experience. Today, is not liking being jet lagged after a long trip from San Francisco to Paris. And the wish for a rested state when body and mind could fully engage.  

I can see where I got to be so hooked on aversion. Both my father and mother were negative people who always saw the wrong in people and situations. Growing up, I remember hating the overall climate in our family, and swearing to myself that one day, I would apprehend life differently. Of course, I was underestimating the conditioning power of childhood family dynamics . . . 

The freedom comes from recognizing the hold of one personality over the self, and not letting it take over. Today, not liking the tiredness, and being with the not liking, and also appreciating the many blessings from this moment. Birds, many of them, taking turn to delight the ears. The wind, softly caressing the back of the neck, the hands. Flowers galore,  to  please the eyes. Joy of sitting next to my daughter, while enjoying it all. Gratitude . . .

Now, I want to know, which type are you? :)