Getting On With the Full Program

Lurking behind every aversive thought,
every constriction in the body,
every annoyance in the heart,
I almost always find
the implicit expectation of something else,
another reality wished for
and not to be had in this moment.
And beneath it all, the firmly planted delusion
of life just as I would like it to be
with no pain, no unpleasantness, no bad surprises,
no old age, no sickness, no death, no earthquakes,
no downturn . . .
I sit and I wonder, when shall I become wise,
and get on with the full program?
When?

Taking It Easy With Aversion

This week I have not been able to make it to the end of my 30' daily sitting meditation. Too much unpleasantness, and aversion to the experience. After a while, it gets to be too much, and I need to take a break. 

Here is what U. Tejaniya has to say about aversion:

When you experience aversion, recognize it and then change to a neutral object like the breath or some physical sensation. Watch this for a while to calm the mind, then look at the aversion again for a while - just keep going back and forth. Many yogis find it too difficult to watch the mind continuously. As long as we don't have real wisdom, as long as we depend on bringing in wisdom intellectually, we will have to use a samatha practice to calm the mind. 

Now remembering my interview with Ruth, and her advice to not linger on the aversion for too long.  Going instead to the breath, or the hands. 

Why one needs to hear the teachings over and over again. Otherwise the mind forgets . . . 

Is Social Volunteering the New Hip Thing?

This week, I had the pleasure to meet Heidi, a young event planner interested in volunteering for our community. Heidi is coming with a group, her group. She has convinced 30 of her single friends to join her in giving some of their time to the elderly. A few hours, one Saturday a month, working side by side, and then getting together for dinner afterwards. 

Heidi is part of a new movement in volunteering. They are young, hip professionals who want to do good and have fun at the same time. They are the same folks with an active social media presence. 

I can smell a new startup in the making, a social volunteering network that would combining social media, old-fashioned volunteering, and youthful spirit. 

Life's Not Fair and Other Wisdom

My friend who works with me told me she was sad. "There is just so much suffering out there." Her job is to welcome enquiring families looking to transition their loved ones to an assisted living place. Listening to her stories for the week, I was struck by the cruelty of life for some of us, particularly towards the end. They are 59, 86, 45 , 61, each with his/her own tragedy,  a massive stroke, Parkinson's, a bad fall, Alzheimer's. Different blows, same devastating results: body, broken; mind, failing; dreams, halted; savings, wiped out . . . 

There is no telling which one of us will be dealt a bad card, and when. 

Meanwhile, appreciating what is being given, and could be taken away, any moment. The ability to walk. The pleasure of a perfect spring day in San Francisco. The satisfaction from meaningful work. The joy of friendships. The safety of a good mind. The sanctuary of my own home. The energy of youth. 

And most of all gratitude for the sinking realization of impermanence, and the gift of wisdom.

Double Take on Loving Kindness

Jack Kornfield, Ayya Khema, Gil Fronsdal, Sharon Salzberg, Ruth Denison, Jon Kabat-Zinn, six  teachers . . . all big fans of loving kindness.

U Tejaniya has a different take, worth listening to:

For some people, to practise metta bhavana when they are angry can create an internal conflict. For them it does not work. What is real is the anger, and trying to intellectually suppress it won't help. I tried to send metta to people when I as angry with. But now my wisdom just cannot accept it. My wisdom tells me: "Be real! Watch the anger! Understand the anger!" It feels like the mind is trying to lie to itself. I have done quite a lot of metta bhavana in the past, even practiced all night long and got into absorption, into really blissed-out states for a whole day, but it did not make me a less angry person. The moment I stopped practicing I was full of anger again.

After I had been practicing satipatthana at home for many years, continuously watching all mental activities, I started having periods during which there was really no more dosa in the mind. Then it was easy to send metta to anyone - no problem. My teacher would sit until his mind was really peaceful and only then send metta. Because then it was real metta. Only if you have money in your pocket, can you give some away 

[. . .]

The metta I would like you to have is real metta, not the kind you try to create for yourself or towards someone else. If there is no dosa, then metta, mudita, karuna, and upekkha all become possible, and you can radiate as much metta as you like. Metta grows our of adosa and it is therefore more important to acknowledge, observe, and understand dosa than to practice metta. I emphasize this point of first dealing with the dosa because it is real.

[. . .]

I always tell yogis who want to practice metta to be aware of themselves while they are doing it. When you are observing yourself while sending metta, you are doing satipatthana. Watch your mind at work sending metta; check whether you really feel metta. Then you will also notice if you are angry and that it is really difficult to send any metta when you are angry.

I think I see U Tejaniya's point. There are times when it gets tough inside, and I decide to be easy on myself, and I give into the sweetness of metta, just to give the heart a break. Times when fear threatens to take me down, or when the heat of anger needs to be cooled. Investigation stopped, and instead, a deliberate cultivation of wholesomeness in the mind. The big question raised by U Tejaniya is of whether it would not be more wise to continue the investigation of the fear, or the anger. Getting down to the bottom of the hindrances, until they get dissolved completely through wise, sustained attention.

I also fully ascribe to the value of substituting unwholesome thoughts with wholesome thoughts. Responding to the state of fear with thoughts about peace, and ease. Responding to the anger with well wishing thoughts about happiness, and well-being. The neuroscientists have confirmed the Buddha's findings, that the brain can be rewired through the cultivation of specific thoughts. 

Maybe there is a middle road here? To practice metta, WHILE at the same time continuing to be very aware of the hindrances still present, and their effect on one's happiness. Also to know one's limits, and have compassion for one's aching heart. Holding the fear, and the anger as a mother would hold her unhappy child. The idea being not to substitute the anger with love, but to envelop it with love, giving it space to move. Coming full circle with U Tejaniya's point about wisdom.

Metta by itself, no. Metta with wisdom, yes.

"I Have Three Titles"

Every night, same story. A few spoons of pureed substance, a few sips of chocolate Ensure and Mr. Wang is done with dinner . . . "Did I eat enough? I want to go to my room." Efforts to feed him only result in more frustration. Mr. Wang cannot wait to sleep away his sadness. 

Body wasting away, and down to a mere ninety pounds. Mind no longer to be trusted for remembering the simple things. Wife of sixty years at home and also wasting away, although in a different way. Family visiting, some times. The reality is Mr. Wang does not have much to live for, anymore.

Watching all signs of life seemingly withdraw in one such as Mr. Wang, a natural response is to believe what's being presented, and to not engage.

Tonight was different. I asked him what kind of work he used to do, and was surprised to see him smile. "I have three titles, in engineering." It turns out Mr. Wang had a long career as a gifted engineer, after graduating from one of the best universities. He used to build bridges. As he tells his story, I notice Mr. Wang emptying his plate. First goes the mashed up beef, then the zucchini, then the rice. He finishes up the chocolate pudding, and gulps down half of the Ensure. There is no more talk of him going back to his room. When one of the other residents starts entertaining us with a story, Mr. Wang breaks into a  laugh. "She has a sense of humor." We joke about the woman's imperious personality. "She is my professor!"

Taking it up a notch, we ask if he would be willing to advise us on the 'engineering' problems we have in the building. "Sure, I have three titles . . ."

Being a Mother

The reality did not hit until earlier tonight. She is driving cross-country, by herself. And she is trying to make it in record time. And she is trying to save money and was talking about sleeping in her car at night. To appease us, she made a reservation at Hostel 66. For how many nights, I am not sure. 

Late afternoon she was in Arizona, aiming for Albuquerque. 

Sitting still, I watch the mind go nuts, and the throat tighten, and the stomach clinch, and fear spread through my whole body. And all my accumulated wisdom about the value of being in this moment, and of not giving into useless anxiety becomes of little use.

This is what being a mother does.