A Slap In the Face

I am of the nature to grow old.
I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health.
I cannot escape having ill health.

I am of the nature to die.
There is no way of escaping death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love
are of the nature to change. There is no way 
to escape being separated from them.

I contemplate the first four of the five remembrances often. Yesterday went deeper . . . 

I spent most of Thanksgiving at the memory care community where I work part of the time. I had expected a joyful day.  I came out instead with heart filled with deep sadness. It helped that I had gotten slapped in the face, literally, by a still relatively young man, a resident with a case of early onset dementia, and lots of rage bottled up inside. Too much going on, too much noise, too many strangers visiting, a complicated family situation . . . he could not take it, and delivered me an unexpected blow, just after I had introduced myself to him. I did not flinch, and walked him to the table where a few relatives were to join him for a short lunch. He obviously needed space. I left him waiting alone. 

Right side of the head still burning, I went on and pretended nothing happened. The truth was, mind had been jarred, and questioned. The angry man had hit me hard with his suffering, and I had to face the truth of the four remembrances delivered right into my flesh, not just as thoughts to be pondered. Habitual, reactive mind revolted, and heart flinched at the very real possibility. Everywhere I turned, lonely souls reminded me, and even the ones with families visiting soon would be left also, back to living the end chapter of their lives in this place. I stopped being the one working there, and felt like almost one of 'them', with only years, and the randomness of fate separating us. 

Life, with its conventional narrative of past, present, and future, is rotten at its core. The story never ends well, and the only way out is through the dropping of the story itself. Each instant, a new moment, a new call to living.

Mindfulness-Based Physical Therapy, A Better Way to Wellness?

Thanks to pain in my left shoulder, I have had the good fortune to experience semiweekly physical therapy sessions. Another opportunity to observe the mind's natural tendency to turn away from unpleasantness. Doing the arm band exercises, there is only so much 'I' can take before fleeing into thoughts about anything but the present moment. Of course, such mindlessness results in the obvious outcome of a mediocre workout, and subpar results for distressed shoulder. More subtle, is the sadness of yet another stretch of time not fully lived. Time, obliterated, wished away, and with it a disconnection from myself. 

We are wired to resist unpleasantness, both the physical and mental kinds. And yet, life is but one string of unsatisfactory moments, some worse than others. Whether suffering from transient nature of good moment, or from just plain bad moment, the truth is, life sucks. And yet, we want to feel good, we would do anything to not feel pain, and to have pleasure instead. I am not even sure what's stronger, the avoidance of pain, or the pursuit of pleasure? Right there, in a nutshell, lies the human predicament. 

Back to physical therapy . . . I have been practicing bringing mindful attention to my exercise routine. Making room for feeling all the body sensations, slowing down enough to give the muscles and tendons exactly what they need, and using that daily chunk of time to practice concentration. Doing 3 sets of 30 for each of the 7 prescribed exercises is a perfect opportunity to steady the mind. I also find physical pain to be such a great teacher, showing me the ways of my mind, and also inviting other possibilities, not inviting reactivity, practicing equanimity. 

Mindfulness-based physical therapy, another venue to be explored for those in the field of physical therapy?

Nothing Worth Getting Excited

Just found in U Tejaniya's blog, this very much worth pondering excerpt from his last book: Welcoming Each moment With Awareness+Wisdom:

Only when the mind does not perceive experiences as pleasing will it understand the Noble Truth of dukkha. As long as the mind perceives experiences as pleasing, then the Noble Truth of dukkha is still far from being understood.

Yes, just like Ajahn Chah's image of the wilted flower. No matter how beautiful, the rose carries within each one of its cells, its inevitable fate. Nothing lasting, nothing worth getting enthralled with. Hence the wisdom of disenchantment, and dispassion. 

This is not about being blase or dismissive of 'happy' moments. Rather it is about finding equanimity, from the stored memory of many many mindful times before, seeing impermanence. I will take equanimity a million times over the seesaw of mindless excitement and aversion. 

Sitting, this morning, there is delight about a world just how 'I' want it, calm and sweet. And the awareness, that too shall pass . . . pain and storms ahead. 

Two Darts, Or Just One?

On a long walk by myself yesterday, there were plenty of pleasures to be had. Temperature just right, enough sun to brighten the moment, flowers going nuts with colors, birds singing what sounded like happy notes . . . it would have been a perfect experience, except for the pain in my right shoulder.  I noticed the mind's habits with such unpleasantness. First tightening, and rebelling against such a spoiler, soon turning into full blown unpleasantness and hatred of the moment. Then, searching for a way out, hoping for pleasure to be found again, quick. From there, escaping into the world of thoughts, thinking about the future, work to be done, the pleasure of food awaiting at home . . . Anything but being in this moment. It worked. There was no more pain, only a vague dullness and the quasi-satisfaction of imagined pleasures. Nothing wrong with that, except for the subtle sadness of knowing that this was one more moment not fully lived, a delaying of the cultivation of real happiness. The hour turned into a reflection on The Dart sutta:

"When an untaught worldling is touched by a painful (bodily) feeling, he worries and grieves, he laments, beats his breast, weeps and is distraught. He thus experiences two kinds of feelings, a bodily and a mental feeling. It is as if a man were pierced by a dart and, following the first piercing, he is hit by a second dart [...]

"Having been touched by that painful feeling, he resists (and resents) it. Then in him who so resists (and resents) that painful feeling, an underlying tendency of resistance against that painful feeling comes to underlie (his mind). Under the impact of that painful feeling he then proceeds to enjoy sensual happiness. And why does he do so? An untaught worldling, O monks, does not know of any other escape from painful feelings except the enjoyment of sensual happiness. Then in him who enjoys sensual happiness, an underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feelings comes to underlie (his mind). He does not know, according to facts, the arising and ending of these feelings, nor the gratification, the danger and the escape, connected with these feelings. In him who lacks that knowledge, an underlying tendency to ignorance as to neutral feelings comes to underlie (his mind). When he experiences a pleasant feeling, a painful feeling or a neutral feeling, he feels it as one fettered by it. Such a one, O monks, is called an untaught worldling who is fettered by birth, by old age, by death, by sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair. He is fettered by suffering, this I declare.

"But in the case of a well-taught noble disciple, O monks, when he is touched by a painful feeling, he will not worry nor grieve and lament, he will not beat his breast and weep, nor will he be distraught. It is one kind of feeling he experiences, a bodily one, but not a mental feeling. It is as if a man were pierced by a dart, but was not hit by a second dart following the first one [...]

"Having been touched by that painful feeling, he does not resist (and resent) it. Hence, in him no underlying tendency of resistance against that painful feeling comes to underlie (his mind). Under the impact of that painful feeling he does not proceed to enjoy sensual happiness. And why not? As a well-taught noble disciple he knows of an escape from painful feelings other than by enjoying sensual happiness. Then in him who does not proceed to enjoy sensual happiness, no underlying tendency to lust for pleasant feelings comes to underlie (his mind). He knows, according to facts, the arising and ending of those feelings, and the gratification, the danger and the escape connected with these feelings. In him who knows thus, no underlying tendency to ignorance as to neutral feelings comes to underlie (his mind). When he experiences a pleasant feeling, a painful feeling or a neutral feeling, he feels it as one who is not fettered by it. Such a one, O monks, is called a well-taught noble disciple who is not fettered by birth, by old age, by death, by sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair. He is not fettered to suffering, this I declare.

Turning towards the pain in the shoulder, watching it dissolve eventually . . . and being replaced by a myriad of sensations as  I walked down Stanford avenue. Some pleasant, some not so pleasant, some without a known quality. Pain eventually moved to the other side. The body's got its own ideas. Nothing to do but watch, and make the best of each moment. I thought of the Buddha's last moments, ridden with physical pain. I need to guard against the confusion in my mind, between pain and unhappiness, and pleasure and happiness. Not worrying about what the next moment may bring in terms of pain, also allows one to relax. 

How do you deal with pain, both physical and emotional pain? 

Uppers and Downers for the Heart

Twice lately, I came across stories that uplifted my heart.

The first one is about SOIL, a nonprofit organization led by a young Stanford grad, Sasha Kramer who  is helping solve some of the most pressing problems facing the people of Haiti, with one simple initiative: compostable toilets.

The second one features Dan Sudran, the founder of the Mission Science Workshop in San Francisco. Moved by his love of science and the will to make a difference, Dan developed a grassroot science education organization now serving over 250 city children every week. 

Each time, same expansion felt in the heart, and a great gladness that steadies me in my resolution to continue with my own work.

Uppers for the heart, I call them.

The heart, such a fragile organ . . . It does not take much for the tide to turn either way, up or down.

Down my heart goes whenever I let mind linger into stories that do me no good. 

Several times during the day, I catch myself thinking of a man whose repeated misdeeds continue to run havoc in a community. Although I have removed myself from the situation, there are still ripples to be felt from that person's actions. And each time, the danger of heart contracting in anger and fear. The mind has this malicious tendency of wanting to linger in filth. 

If not that man, another one also triggers me to go down a downward path despite all my good intentions. It does not take much. The mind grabs on to a few words, and off it goes. Once down, it takes a lot of mindfulness and will power to extract oneself from the pit. 

Up or down, which way do you want your heart to go? 

Not Born Equals With Feelings

What is the one thing:

that precipitates us 

into reacting right away

rather than pause, and respond?

that makes it hard for us to sit 

more than a few minutes 

before leaving our seat?

that causes us to bypass the present

and escape instead, into the future

or memories from the past?

that drives us to anesthetize ourselves

into oblivion, with alcohol, pot,

shopping, work, sex . . . ?

that puts us at odds 

with the person closest to us,

i.e. ourselves?

That one thing is our difficulty in tolerating feelings, particularly difficult of painful ones. We are naturally wired to shy away from physical and emotional pain. And we are addicted to pleasure. 

We are all born with different levels of feelings tolerance. Some of us rush to pain pills, others are more able to stay with unpleasantness of all sorts. I am somewhat in the middle. 

Of course, feeling tolerance can be cultivated. One sitting at a time, we can practice meeting the inevitable suffering that is part of life. Each day a little more. Each second, acknowledging the pain and staying with it enough to witness our resistance to it, relaxing ever so slightly around the tightness . . . before we turn away, and distract ourselves.

Where do you stand on the feelings tolerance continuum? 

Five Ways With Suffering

Nobody likes suffering, and yet life is suffering. Knowing how one is with it is of the utmost importance. Ayya Khema - in Being Nobody, Going Nowhere - tells us there are five ways to be with what pains us. And only one makes sense.

Here are the five ways that we react to suffering:

The first and common way is to blame someone else. That's the easy way. Everybody plays that game and it's childish.

Yes, I do. And the dangerous thing is how convincing the mind can be at tricking one in thinking how right one is in that game. To guard myself, I have learned to wait a while before taking action based on any such type of thought.

The second way of reacting to pain and dissatisfaction is to become depressed and get bogged down by it, indulging in unhappiness.

Oh! the power of a dark mood . . . I go there quite often also, although less so than I used to. To get out of it, I know of no better remedy than to remind myself that something is amiss in the mind. 'Another self-created mind state to be dealt with, right there'. Feeling the sensations in each foot, each hand. Or resting the awareness in each breath. Or practicing loving kindness. Purifying the mind.  

The third reaction is being sorry for oneself, having the idea that one has all the suffering in the world. Nobody else has anything comparable, which is obviously untrue. When one is feeling sorry for oneself, one also expects others to commiserate. It doesn't work. Nothing is learned. Nothing is gained. On the contrary, one becomes a burden to others. 

Another miserable and familiar place. Comparing mind looks around and pretty soon, I find myself wishing I had a different life altogether. A different family. A different house. A different body. More of this, less of that . . . Anything but this moment, this place. Sure recipe for unhappiness. From there to whining, of course, only a short step that I have often quickly made. Many afternoon coffees, I have spent whining to my girlfriends, and listening to their complaints. Chatter, chatter . . . 

Another way of reacting to suffering is to grit one's teeth, suppress emotions, and pretend it hasn't happened. That too doesn't work, because pretending never works. 

So subtle, so devious, that one. And imbued with self-loaded pride. 'I have made peace', I tell myself. Sure, I miss her, but there is nothing I can do. She's got to do what she has to do. It would be wrong for me to cling. Of course, I have closed the door a bit too fast on bruised heart filled with grief. Layers need to be peeled, one by one.  

There is a fifth method, and that is looking suffering squarely in the face and saying, "Aha. My old friend's here again. What am I supposed to learn this time?" That is right view. Then we have really understood why the human realm is the best realm for enlightenment. Suffering is our best teacher because it hangs on to us and keeps us in its grip until we have learned that particular lesson. Only then does suffering let go. If we haven't learned our lesson, we can be quite sure that the same lesson is going to come again, because life is nothing but an adult education class. If we don't pass the subjects, we just have to sit the examination again. Whatever lesson we have missed, we'll get it again. That's why we find ourselves reacting to similar situations in similar ways many times. However, a time does come when we notice this, and the right view arises, "I've got to do something about myself. I'm having the same problem over and over again."

Every moment, a teaching moment. Looked at from that perspective, life becomes less scary, and a lot more interesting. I just went through a long cycle of such 'going around again' and came really close to making another blunder. Only the awareness of the negative karmic results from my prior actions during the first time around, kept me safe. That's one more lesson learned. 

Which are your ways with suffering? 

The Knot Again

One of the advantages of formal practice as in sitting still in the quietness of morning, or taking a mindful walk alone, is that it allows one to clearly see what belongs in this moment, and what doesn't.

This morning, sitting,  I sensed the knot (post on Ajahn Chah), once more. And I investigated. There was physical suffering for sure, from the tightness. And underneath, fear and aversion. To what? Nothing to be feared in the quietness of my home. Nothing to dislike in this late Spring stroll through the neighborhood. Objectively, only pleasantness. In reality, much unpleasantness. Digging deeper, I found mind doing its dirty work. A string of thoughts unrelated to the present moment, but rather linked to the past, and making up an anticipated future, with the illusion of a solid 'I' as the glue. Not just Elmer's glue, but SuperGlue.

Awareness as solvant for the attachment to the illusion of a fixed self that sticks through time.

Formal practice, a long controlled experiment that allows one to get down to the root causes of suffering, and to unearth those one by one, one nanometer at a time. 

How tight is your knot? Can you see it for what it is?

The Dukkha Door

The Buddha's way points to three possible doors to liberation: dukkha (suffering), anica (impermanence), and anatta (not self). For each of us, the door may be different. For me, dukkha has been, is the gateway. Whenever I pay close attention, I always find suffering, even during the happiest moments. And it is the willingness and conviction of the worthiness to fully explore such suffering that always lead me to break free. This is in marked contrast to times past when I used to dread 'my' suffering. 

From Ajahn Sumedho, in The Four Noble Truths:

With mindfulness, we are willing to bear with the whole of life; with the excitement and the boredom, the hope and the despair, the pleasure and the pain, the fascination and the weariness, the beginning and the ending, the birth and the death. We are willing to accept the whole of it in the mind rather than absorb into just the pleasant and suppress the unpleasant. The process of insight is the going to dukkha, looking at dukkha, admitting dukkha, recognizing dukkha in all its forms. Then you are no longer just reacting in the habitual way of indulgence or suppression. And because of that, you can bear with suffering more, you can be more patient with it.

No longer being deluded about the nature of life. Not hoping for a life without suffering. And paradoxically finding moments of freedom, with no self-created suffering. 

Does dukkha 'speaks' to you? How are you with it?